Tout Neuf

This is gonna be my last post.

I mentioned that I'll close it when I give up.

I GIVE UP trying.
Do I really have to fucking say it in your face for you to know how I feel?
Or whether I'm happy or otherwise?

Can't you tell from my face?
Time and time again, I have to say it in your face regards to the same issue.
You get tired listening to it, but don I feel tired saying the same words and feeling the frustration over & over again?

This r/s has always been you, you and yourself'.
How u wanna make yourself happy.
All u even did to make me happy is to use $$$.

I'm going to say this one last time.
"WILL MONEY MAKE YOU TRULY HAPPY? IS THIS KINDA HAPPINESS LONG LASTING?"


Why am I even still writing all this, even after you not getting the gist of it when i wrote it a million times?
I'm sure ppl who read my blog already got this pt in their head, but sadly just not you.
Dont expect me to do anything good for you anymore for you did nothing good to make me emotionally happy.

Why do I have this blog for?
I've expressed my unhappiness far too many times, almost for the same issue.
Still, nothing done.

My heart is pronounced dead.

I'm currently working on Mr Goodbye now, some korean romance flick.
I have a love-hate r/s for romance flicks cos...
Everytime I watch it, I'll cry and smile at the same time.
I have mixed feelings of happiness and sadness.

Happiness cos..
It feels so sweet to know that two ppl went thru so much to get together and sustain their r/s.

& sadness cos...
Everytime I see those couples in shows, they're always so loving, and thoughtful towards their partners.
I feel so envious watching them sparing a thought for their love ones.
Like Mr Goodbye, no matter how ego the male and female(couple) is, they do know when is the time to stop.
The man can say really mean things to the female, but after that he surprises her with sweet nothings.

Oh wells.
This is a show isn't it?
Who take a show for real?

Only a fool like me.

Sometimes I still cant help but wonder...
If I can place total trust in her.

Many times I feel that certain actions from her, seem to be putting up a show for ppl.
And this fucking irritates me.
I showed Tara, Amy and Christina her exes pictures, and they went "WOW".
I admit that they're not ugly, but they're not exactly pretty either(then again, I'm not saying that I am.)
I may dislike those ppl they she used to be with, like, or see, but I DON HATE EVERYONE of them.
And it's definitely not becos I'm jealous of them.
I just don like them becos of their personality or character or how they treat ppl.

AND IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME DISLIKING THEM, THEN BY ALL MEANS GO BACK TO THEM.
AT THE VERY LEAST, I DON CRITICISE/INSULT THEM.

I'm still very much affected by what 'BUAY ZHI DONG' NATASHA TORRES LIM said.
Just fucking hell leave my gf and us alone.
I just don understand why these ppl have no shame, seriously.

I know, it's another entry of complains.
But apparently, NAT called her twice this mth bcos her line got terminated.
Like HELLO B.I.T.C.H, line got problem call starhub 1633 lor, not my gf's number.
So quit finding excuses to talk to her or date her out. And then pretend all nice like an angel, saying that
you don't mind me JOINING the both of you.

Are you in the r/s with her, or am I in a r/s with her?
WTF.

"Call me when you cook ok." was what she said before she went into the room.

Why is it that it's always me? 
No matter what, sick( that I can understand), or NOT SICK at all, it's always me who has to do EVERYTHING?

Why is it that things always go back to square one, even when the same fighting scene repeats, the tears shed, the promises she made to me?
Did I not mention that I'm also human? I do have feelings and I'm tired of doing everything myself. Did I not mention it, not once, not twice but many times?

I do think that it is my responsibility to take care of you as a gf, not in terms of $$$ wise, but what about her? Is taking care of your gf
with money is all you can do? The lil things, like cooking for me, hugging me from the back, take care of YOUR/my dog with me together... is doing all this so difficult?

This is a r/s with 2 people, not only you, yourself and being selfish. If you have the guts to make promises, have the fucking brains and heart to uphold it, and not just stand there and wait for some miracle to happen to make things change for the better.
I may listen to you, being submissive and all, BUT PLEASE, LEAVE SOME DIGNITY AND RESPECT FOR ME.

You have headache, others have it too! Does having a migraine makes you handicapped? Does having a migraine makes you
losing the least concern for me?

Whatever you want, I try my best to give it to you. You said you want to drink water/coke, I'll bring it to you. But how can you take it for granted, and just tell me "Are you going to cook my beehoon soup?"?

The more reoccurrances of cases like this, the more I feel like a maid. And maybe thats why you're keeping me by your side.
Oh, and cos I keep quiet most of the time until I cant take it.
I can complain and whine, but I still do it for you, hoping that 1 FINE DAY, you'll wake up.

I said we'll see after we get to 1 year, but I'm still hoping for the change even when we're together for 2 years.

It seems all so hard to leave you despite all this. And I told you, it really might not be a bad idea to leave you to study in US if
I'm given the chance to. Why should I even be worried about us breaking up in the first place when Amy mentioned studying
in US?

A food for thought indeed.
Getting myself away from you might be a good idea after all, since me/this r/s don matter to you at all.

Longest time I've not blogged.
Was busy with so many stuff on hand...
Ho Chi Minh, food poisoning, catching up on the sleep I missed in HCM, spending limited days with Amy and Mair.
Ho Chi Minh was way too unlucky for us. 'Nuff said.

Amy left this morning, 3.45am for US.
I opened her door when I woke up at 7am.
I miss her.
Gf misses her too.
The house feels empty without her.

We spent the whole entire afternoon playing "Guess the sketch" game on FB.
It was really fun. :)

Oh wells, we're all gonna miss her.

"Thank you for the gift.... we're really touched..."

 

鉴定结果

您的心理年龄32岁
(Omg, I'm like 32 years old)

与您实际年龄差11岁

幼稚度56%
成熟度61%
老化度42％

            Anyway, the quiz was taken from Rong's blog. :P

It's 11 days to Ho Chi Minh, and I really can't wait to get the fuck out of this plc.
Urgh!!!!
I'll be getting my results for my chinese paper tmr. So bloody scared la!
*prayers*

"Will you ever look into my eyes that way ever again? I wonder...."

When people get so engrossed over themselves,
they forget what their partners have done for them.
All the hard work and effort cannot be measured by YOUR fucking money.

When was the last time you gave me your full attention?
All I want is simple attention for me everyday. Just a normal girl who wants simple affection from you.
But the only capability you have, is to use money.
Am I a fucking whore or a sugar baby? 
I give you attention and takes care of you physically, mentally, and I get paid for what I've done?


You bring me to plces, no doubt. 
But is this really the way you love a person?
I already mentioned... What about the rest of the everydays?
You simply jus trat your partner like shit?

All the talk about wanting to spend time with me.
And everytime, it goes down to your fucking butt on a chair, in front of the fucking pc.

You said you're tired.
Who's not tired?
Everyone is not tired, but only you?

After all this time, it clearly shows who you are. 
And how you see things.

God may love us for who we are.
But he'll soon let you see what you're gonna lose.

I'm really quite done.

Hey Love,
Just wanted to tell you, Happy 23rd Anniversary Love one! One more month, and it's 730 days a.k.a 2 years!
Jus wanna say a big thank you, even though there may be many rough patches during this whole time,
but no doubt, I still heart you! And... I hope you still hold on to the promises that you've made, and of cos,
vice-versa. 
Let's make more happy memories to come, and embrace each other at all times, till we wrinkle! :)
Je'taime! *kisses*

Yours only...
Amanda :)

I've always believed that things happen for a reason.
But strangely, I can't figure out why I deserve that kind of treatment despite everything that I've done.
On the contrary, what have you done for me to make me feel truely blessed?
Is providing money, buying things that I can't prolly afford, "sponsoring" me to holidays means that you're
really giving your love one happiness?

Stop and think again.
Is this how you define happiness or rather, see that happiness that can bought in this way?

Yes, I admit that you can be very sweet at all when it comes to B'days/annis/.
But is this really the way you can treat your love one?
How about the normal 'everydays"?
Bcos it's not any day special, thus you see a reason to treat your love one like shit?

I may not give you really expensive presents to you on special days,
but at least deep down in my heart, I give all out to be nice to you and make you happy/blessed everyday.

Would you rather receive love/care/understanding everyday, or only on special days?
Think about it.
....................
Clearly, this has became a love-hate r/s to me.
I looked back and thought about how I used to quarrel with you.
And now... I'm too sicked and exhausted to reason and explain how I feel deep inside.

No words can explain how I feel right now.
All I can think about is, "What's there for me to live on?", "Perhaps not living on is a lot better choice."

I had a nightmare the other night.
I don really wanan blog about it cos it's a tad too long of a story.
But, the moment I jumped down of a building, I really felt a lot relieved.
I dunno, I hate myself and my life.
Perhaps it's my past life that caused me to suffer so much misery now.

Alrights, it's been a long post. 
I have to bathe HER dog now.

Take care peeps. :l

 7 THINGS THAT SCARE ME:

1. Digusting lizards.
2. Nightmares.
3. A electric trip in my ofc that caused me to lose all my work done.
4. Flasher who shows their dicks.
5. My big belly. :(
6. Unable to find my wallet/handphone.
7. Moths.

7 THINGS I LIKE THE MOST:

1. Singing.
2. Shopping.
3. Travelling.
4. Spending time with ppl whom I love.
5. Looking at interior designs of houses/hotels.
6. Nail arts.
7. Good food.

7 IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY ROOM:

1. Clothes.
2. Blanket.
3. TV.
4. Accessories.
5. Magic Cleaner.
6. Cushions.
7. Acne lotion.

7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:

1. Never fails to fall asleep in the bus.
2. Eat, eat none-stop.
3. Never exercise.
4. Likes to say silly things.
5. Eyes forever glued to the TV.
6. Randomly writes love notes to my current Gf.
7.  Hate ppl who likes to stand in the middle of the train door, and block my way! HMPF

7 THINGS I PLAN TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

1. Travel to 3/4 of the whole earth.
2. Remove the big belly I have.
3. Spend the very last moment with my current Gf.
5. Donate my "working" organs to the needy.
6. Have more than 100 partners. LOL, kidding la.
7. Stand up for Lesbians/Gays rights.

7 THINGS I CAN DO:

1. Watch TV all the time lor.
2. Play "Guitarway" with 200 combos.
3. Talk non-stop.
4. Housework.
5. Be Uber boring.
6. Score well in Math.
7. Nails!

7 THINGS I CAN’T DO:

1. Multitask
2. Kill Lizards.
3. Talk to strangers.
4. Talk/ meet my Gf's ex-es.
5. Pretend that dreams don't mean anything. 
6. Remember friends' b'days anymore.
7. Abuse poches.

7 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE SEX:

1. Wear scantily like a whore. LOL.
2. Flirt everywhere possible. (like: MSN, sms, phone)
3. "Pretend" to be intelligent.
4. Bare my butt naked body. LOL
5. Play hard to get. Well, ppl like challenges right?
6. All of the above is NOT TRUE HOR. Jus Crapping!
7. NA

7 PHRASES I SAY OFTEN:

1. DUH.
2. Go Die lah( Rong, why you copy me???!!??)
3. Err... ok.
4. KNS.
5. Oh My God.
6. What the Fuck?
7. I say this to my GF. " Oh, so I'm not as good as other girls la?"

THE 7 PEOPLE TO DO THIS SURVEY:

1. No one. Cos it is taking too much time. LOL. :X

Sometimes I really feel that I'm not good enough to be with you.
I'm not as smart, pretty, sexy, nice as compared to other people.
I don't earn much either.
Why? Is it becos I'm not that capable?

I really have no idea.

Am gonna head to Ho Chi Minh next end of the mth...
Was really excited about it.
Then came the "Are-we-really-going-?" syndrome.

I was really happy that someone-else will be joining.
But seeing how enthu/eager/keen Gf is, it makes me wonder again.
Why is she go eager for her to come with us?

Or maybe both of them shld go, and I'll stay here since I don have the $$ to travel now.

I dunno.
Whatever,

"The sadness sinks within me... and all I've got is me,myself and I."

Yes, it's not the soccer fever.

I had these really good durias at the 4seasons durians with Sarah, Mishu+Bf, bro and my gf a few weeks ago.
Oh man, it's so tasty.
I can taste the durians in my mouth now.
*drools*

One bad thing to eat there.
No decent plc to park the car!


Four Seasons Durian Cafe
212 Joo Chiat Place, Off still road.
For corporate functions and parties contact
Richard at 96536625

They have a 4seasons durians in Taka Basement(where the foodcourt is). But they only sell durian pastries, like;
Puffs, cake, pancake. 
Go for the Durian pancake! :)

I know I know... it's been 2146573654615462783526 days ever since I last blogged.
I feel like closing down my blog though.
Damn sian and lazy to blog.

Been busy watching Sex & the City.
Oh wells. I need to finish from season1 to 6 b4 Amy goes back to USA.
Am pretty sad that she'll be leaving soon...
I hope we'll meet another tenant like her. :)
Well, we might get to see her at the end of this yr if we're going Taiwan or USA.
Yay! Free lodging in Taiwan! *jumps ard!*
But... I'm not a tad interested in Taiwan...
Just 'gian' the free lodging lor.
Heh ;p

We need to go for a break; a holiday.
Singapore is too fucked, seriously.
So fucked until I've been yearning to go shopping these days. (I've done quite a bit la!)
Super broke :(
Help!!!!
And I nearly wanted to get the Guess bag that cost $129.
But figured that branded bags dont suit me.
Sobs, I just look and am poor. That's why. 

Everything has been pretty smooth these days, except money!
I mean, ok, no quarrels. (Choi!)

Come to think bout it:
Qns: Are we too tired to quarrel with each other or what?

It's been 2045956 since I last blogged.
Been watching Sex & the city serials.
I feel a great connection to it.


I've been feeling so suffocated.
Why am I still hanging on to someone whom obviously keeps hurting you?
Is it just me, or is there a problem with that fucking person?
Is it a mistake to actually have expectations of your other half?

Is it our fault when the r/s change for the worse?
&...
Why is it that our other half can hurt us so badly, and they actually feel nth about it?
Not even guilty, sorry or even wanna make things better?
Why is it that they don't see what wrongs they've done?

No one can ans these qns.

It's been 22 mths exactly today.
Why is it that I feel like I've been tortured for 19mths?
Oh, set aside the 2mths honeymoon period and my B'day, or maybe give her some credit
for being nice to me on SOME annis.
The happiest time I've even had with her was my b'days.
It is only then I get to be treated like a decent human and a gf.

What's the whole point of staying in this r/s?
I've no idea, cos I don see one anymore.

*Will I be like Charlotte who gets to have everything she ever wanted in a r/s? Am I suppose to be as naive as her?*

WTF.

Ppl just jolly well assume that it's damn fucking convenient for me,
with no fucking cow sense to even ask b4 you change the fucking location.
WTF is wrong with this person?

Do I not deserve the due respect to even fucking ask?

Scenario is this:
Person A asked me if I can collect something from person B.
Supposed to meet this person B at orchard MRT.
Fine, since it's at the MRT, I'm fine with it.
It's convenient.
But apparently last night person B wanted to change the location.
Person A didnt even asked if it's convenient for me, and just gladly agreed.
Now I have to walk all the way to far east plaza. The most inconvenient plc in town.
WTF.
Hello? Don't you even have the decency to even ask me first?
I'm the one collecting it for you.
So shouldn I be given the due respect?

LET ME TELL U WHY I'M PISSED COS I KNOW YOU'LL NV BE ABLE TO GET THE GIST OF IT AND
ASSUME THAT I'M PISSED COS IT'S FUCKING INCONVENIENT.

IT'S FUCKING SIMPLE.
JUST FUCKING ASK B4 YOU DECIDE ANYTHING. COS I'LL BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE EFFORT TO FUCKING
MAKE YOU HAPPY.

END OF STORY.
STILL FUCKING DON GET IT?

And if you just decide as and when you want certain issues to put a full stop, then pls be in this fuck-up r/s yourself.

I'm so tired of preaching the same old thing all the time.
Some ppl just DON GET IT, don they?
Some ppl just don wanna admit to their mistakes, and LOOK AT THEMSELVES.

For one difference, at the very least when I apologise, I really mean it. 
Cos ppl who knows me for a long time, will know that I don say the word 'sorry' often nor easily.
Basically, I don apologise.
But when I do, I really mean it. 
I don apologise for the sake of it or to make the other party feel better.

Said by someone:
Juz rem our dispute today ba, i guess we haf v diff reactions to situations in life.

Like Duh, am I suppose to react the same way as you? Are we not different individuals?


WTF. I cannot be bothered anymore. 
I'm sure God has his divine plans for me.
And prove that PERSON wrong.

After much research/reading done, I've made a goal.
I wanna be an air stewardess aft I graduate!

 I know it's not a big deal to anyone, 
but its a big deal to me.
Cos cos I have a goal in my life.
A goal that I look forward to, and determination to do my best in my studies.

Why did I make that decision?
ANS: Good $$$ and I can travel!

Ok, i shall not sound too excited first.
Its not like they've accepted me or something.

I feel that one more good thing about this job is,
Though you might be away from your partner or love ones, it's not a bad thing either.
Sometimes seeing/spending too much time with your partner, either both parties might take each other for granted.

Flying is good in a way.
I can imagine a couple hugging each other tightly when I'm back from flyin.
Get what I mean?

Alrights, till then.
I'm so fucking tired and I'm fucking having a headache.

Bye.

I was just browsing friendster and happen to look @ an old friend.
Probably not that old, and close either.
I used to look up to her like an elder sister.

She's not very pretty, but not UGLY.
She's tall, skinny, no flabs, no big tummy and has nice complexion.
I mean really good complexion.
The only no-nos are small boobs and small butt.
Ok, mine are not big. But hers are definitely smaller than mine.
So that's small right?
Hmm.

As I was saying, I was looking at her profile pics.
I dunno why but I got this sudden strong feeling that we're actually becoming quite similar.
Her glasses, are the sun glasses that I'm wearing now.
Or rather, the kinda sun glasses that my gf likes me to wear.
I wonder. 
Is she turning me to look like Emily in some ways or otherwise?
Or is it that I yearn to look like her in certain ways?

I've no idea, but it scares me when I see the similarities I share with Emily right now.
The only difference between us is, I'm not afraid to be Gay, and be known as one.

I was packing my stuff the other day at my house. And I found some photos I took with her.
I dunno if I should throw it away.
At one side, I think I still want her to be my friend.
At the other side, I cannot really accept the fact that she's my gf's ex-gf. I know that I should accept it no matter what/how.
But until now, I still can't.
And I can't keep comparing the both of us. 
Sigh...

Oh wells, conclusion: Jealousy Kills, BIG TIME. And I really hate myself for this.


I miss this plc. It takes away all your unhappiness and troubles.

A perfect paradise. :)

Sometimes I wonder if I really want this r/s to last.

I feel like no matter how hard I try, nth's good ever going to come out from this person.
Whatever comes out from this person's mouth, are always nth but insults, sarcasms and blames.

And I'm so sick of it.
What else can I do? 

ickleoriental.livejournal.com

I think this girl is pretty, and her life is pretty much perfect too.
I cant help but to feel envious.

Hmmm,
I'm lazy after I'm back from the trip.
Still on holiday mode.
:(